Waiting

Waiting, to me, is harder than hearing "no" to a request. The thing is, just because you have to wait...it doesn't mean that at the end of the wait the answer will be "yes." It could still be "no."

I prayed and fasted, and prayed my heart out, and fasted...2 weeks ago. The answer that came we thought was a "no." And my heart was broken; I spent much time trying to settle myself, trying to keep my attitude in check, thinking and unthinking, and over-thinking. I finally came to terms with the answer, still having more questions as to what it all meant. Yesterday my husband gave me news that made me realize that we are back to square one in making this request made known to the Lord. The thing is...it took me a while to put myself back together the last time, and I really don't want to hope that hard again. My husband and I looked depressed the last time. You can tell by my attitude that I am still a work in progress. I usually have an attitude of gratitude, but this is something that we have been wanting and hoping for for so many years, and then to finally get a chance and come so close and then hearing a no? It left us questioning why the answer was "no." I had to ask myself "was my request out of selfish ambition?" No, it's for the good of our family, and for the sanity of our own minds. "Were we not grateful enough for what He has given us?" In our own human capacity I feel that it's very difficult to offer the sincere gratitude that we ought to EVERY time. "Is there another purpose we're supposed to be attending to?" I struggled with this one for a while. In Ezekiel 36:24-25 God separated them from the influences that were destroying them. And then he cleansed them, then took out their heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh. This is what I have been praying for, among other things. Especially for my husband.
But God knows best, and we always have to remember that; even to meditate on that. Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."