Embrace

I wish I could pause time. I wish I could just live my childhood with my mom all the way til today, all over again. Since my mom's news of having a 30% chance survival rate I've been pretty good at keeping myself together. But today's unexpected news of my coworker's transplant failing and only having two months left of life has brought me crumbling in pain to the floor.

Irene goes to the same cancer center my mom goes to. She also had the same transplant my mom's about to have. Irene is young, a year younger than me, and beautiful. She's peaceful, calm, and sweetly positive. Her husband is also our IT guy, and I've known them for years. They have a young daughter. Tom wanted another child and Irene always teasingly told him that they were done. He cooks for her, and in the lunch room she always rolls her eyes at the heaping portions Tom packs for her. Irene's a slender brunette & Tom's quite a big guy. Well, he used to be. Stress & worry can make you forget to eat.

It's amazing how quickly everything happened. One minute she wasn't feeling well, and the next thing we knew was that she was in the advanced stages of cancer. She fought hard, all the while keeping an uplifted attitude. When Irene lost her hair and donned on a wig she said, "I've always wanted to be a blond."

I don't understand. Why the hell can't we find a cure? My heart can't take the talk of there already being a cure but that cancer is big money so it has not been released.

I don't know how strong I'm gonna be. I know I'll be holding my breath all the way til my mom's surgery date. I don't know how I'm going to sleep at night. This is my 3rd sleepless night in a row and my mom hasn't even started Day Zero.