I Love You

This pain is unbearable. 2am and I can't sleep. I didn't want to think about you. I tried not to. And yet your face fills my mind. I wish I could talk to you. Or just know that you're okay, though I'm sure you're up there with my Jesus. Or just have felt you like I felt dad when he passed away. How can you be gone, ma? How?? You were such a fighter, always pulling through. They told me you were dying but it didn't even register. All my visits to see you were just that: to see you, and be with you. But it was never really a goodbye...not until the last time I saw you so sick and tiny in that big bed...gasping for air through that mask...eyes tightly shut, weak, frail, unresponsive...eyes rolling to the back of your head every time you came out of it for a few seconds. That horrid noise you made every time you exhaled, those cracked lips and blood all over your mouth...It was then that I realized you were really going to leave me. I miss you so much, ma, I wish I could scream this pain out of me, scream for you to come back, but it would make no difference at all. You are gone. And I feel your absence more than ever. It feels like a vital part of my body has been yanked from me. It's taking me a while to learn how to breathe again without you. I miss you soooo much, ma. Just one more day. One more day with a healthy you is what I would ask for if I could get one request. You are irreplaceable. I love you, ma. Always and forever, with all my heart.