Silence.

It has been a very rough, painful and difficult 6 months. I am in pain, mostly at nights, when my mother's dying face comes to mind. It's hard to breathe. Like right now. Deep breaths & tears are what I can manage. Beyond that, I would crumble. I am broken before God. Waiting in hope for the sun to shine again...because lately we have been hit with blow after blow, leaving us with hardly a chance to recover before the next blow. I feel lost a lot of the time. Not sure which direction to go in...not even sure where I am. The last person on Earth who loved me no-matter-what has gone away. It does something deep to a person when they lose that person whose love can't be replaced. I've been very blessed having had two amazing parents who taught me, from the beginning, about compassion, mercy, & love. They were loving toward me - making sure they told me everyday, hugged me every chance they had, spent time with me even though they were both over-worked doctors, and talked to me about most things I wanted to chit chat about at that moment. I need to rest as I've been feeling completely spent lately. I'm a homeschooling mom, living in other people's home(s), running errands in a 2-hr time span, making sure my son gets ample play at the park, making dinner for everyone with enough time to make it out to pick up hubby from work. It's go go go for me. And at the end of the day I'm sleeping in someone else's room, on someone else's bed, trying to be a "perfect guest" & be as little inconvenience as possible. There is no privacy. There hasn't been privacy since November of last year. Believe me, I'm incredibly grateful - I'll take no privacy over us sleeping in the streets - but I can't even grieve unseen. Yes, I am still grieving. Never got to get it out. And having brothers that don't seem to wanna talk about it makes it so much worse. Tomorrow is another day; tomorrow night will be yet another image of her. I wish I could be alone sometimes so I can cry in privacy. I need to cry. I need to finally grieve, in peace, w/o interruption or demands from those around me.