Dream

There are times where I just think of my life...all the people I have met...all the people who even just passed through my life and left little, yet somehow made an impact in some way. Sometimes I miss certain people...or just certain moments. Sometimes I know things are the way they should be, where people who are no longer there need to be that way. And sometimes...sometimes...there's an old ache that comes back up from a recess deep within my heart...where I have kept the lid tightly closed, hammered down, hoping to never feel that way again.
There are many times I miss my dad. I try to remember what he was like. I try to remember his voice, the angles of his face...his 5 o'clock shadow...the way parts of his eyebrows were so long that they curled down the corners of his eyes. I remember how he always said he wanted to watch me grow up. How he wanted to be there for my 18th birthday. He died when I was 17. I remember how he loved me so much. I ache for that. I ache to be loved like that again. To a daughter the most prized love comes from her father. How I miss the way he adored me, how he was joyful over me. How he was joyful over all his children. How in love with my mom he was.
How he was.
Sometimes...that just feels like someone else's life. It feels so distant, so long ago. Like a dream. I have to remind myself that that used to be my reality. It's hard to recognize a life behind a door that was closed.